How to stay happy in a relationship (7): Be There
我有一個女仔friend，是一個聰明能幹的女强人，嫁了個醫生。每每醫生先生在工作上遇上官僚制度感到工作不如意，都會回家和老婆訴苦。我的朋友一直在商業機構工作，所以慣常地以很商業的角度去分析問題，向丈夫提議很多在商場上很practical和sensible的解決方法。丈夫無法在醫生制度中使用妻子的計謀，覺得很氣餒無用。我的朋友就因為丈夫解決不了問題而覺得他執行計劃能力弱，同時又因為自己未能幫到他而不開心。
當友人向我傾訴她的處境時，我就問她，其實有没有想過，醫院的情況我們外行人未必理解，丈夫跟你訴說可能只是想你安慰一下，而不是真的想拿取advice？
其實很多時我們在工作上的煩惱，都是很難與外人說得清楚明白，就算最親密的陪侶，都未必一定完全理解。要花很多的唇舌去講個明白，就差不多要再次relive個問題。第一次面對問題時已經覺得煩惱，再說一遍怕不怕煩上加煩呢?
有時遇到有甚麼不順心，如果我想老公安慰，我會在開始講我的煩惱前，事先說明我想他安慰我，我知問題本身不是講兩講就不可以解決得到。他就會懂得聽我講完之後，講一些窩心的安慰說話，而不必花時間去討論或尋找解決方案。若遇到難以解釋的問題，我甚至會只走到他身邊，要求一個擁抱，這可能比任何說話更comforting。
外面的爾虞我詐，就由它留在屋外。只要知道回到家，有人支持有人安慰，一個擁抱一個吻，已經足夠。在最不愉快最傷心的時候，最需要的是一個可靠的肩膊，温暖地握着對方的手。甚麼都不必說，Be there，在他/她身邊，是最重要。
下一次你男/女朋友或老公/老婆開OT夜歸時，記緊要Be there，等他/她回來時給他/她一個擁抱，家是最好的，家人的愛是最好的。
（各位單身的朋友，緊記你的家人都是你的心靈支柱！飲過夜歸回家後父母留給你的老火湯嗎？）
Is walking your dog good for your love life? – Part I
I’ll be honest and reveal the fact that I do not own a dog and I do not walk one. This article is basically another angle of approach for those who are ‘in the market’ so to speak, own a dog, and are looking to meet new people. I believe, with a degree of positive thinking one could open up a new dimension on their otherwise stagnant lifestyle and your dog will love it too because they will get to walk more.
Twenty years ago a dog was not a familiar sight on the streets or parks of the former colony and you would find that people had more children back then, so there was little or no room, or interest for that matter, in having a family pet. The old-fashioned family stereo-types possibly made it easier to meet a partner, settle down and raise a family however, times have changed. There are fewer children being born in Hong Kong, more work pressures, more hours worked and a lot less time for single professionals in particular, to find a suitable partner. It all seems so practical not to have a furry sweaty animal co-habiting in a gardenless home in a warm and humid climate, but then again, pet lovers would not agree and family pets are in abundance all over the territory, despite the sweaty aroma.
OK, so what am I getting at? For many ‘single’ established professionals in particular, there is a void to fill in their lives that money cannot buy, and that void is usually direct love and romance which comes in the shape of a partner, someone you share the most intimate parts of your life with. Meeting someone though is often so difficult that it seems an impossible challenge, a never-ending uphill tedious struggle, of sorts, often accentuated by the individual having criteria that is so far-fetched and unrealistic that they will always remain ‘single’. More on that in another article. You’ll find that many singles take up all sorts of new hobbies, travel a lot – often alone, which is not as bad as it sounds, do a lot more networking and socialising, and generally put themselves in the way of invitations more readily, all this in an effort to meet potential soul-mates or at the very least, a new boy/girlfriend. New hobbies and travel definitely open up a fresh circle of potential friends, but how often will you take up a new hobby or travel abroad? Definitely, not a routine plan. You need something that’s more readily available. Going out is a necessity to meet people and it generally will not come by flirting or virtually socialising on a social networking website. You need to go out! But, where to? Well, you can weigh up all the advantages and disadvantages of what you already do and ask yourself how successful your socialising methods have been, and how much enjoyment you got for the effort you put in. ‘Single’ pet owners can explore another avenue by becoming more active in walking their dogs. Don’t underestimate this approach. When most people are going out, they usually go with a friend or a small group. This is essentially a socialising support network and obviously makes it easier to go to bars and clubs. Your dog is your social support network and while you don’t take him/her out to bars, pet café perhaps, you do have the opportunity to walk him/her every day. That is a lot of time spent walking, usually at a slower pace. You need a genuine love of animals. Pets are not accessories. They are not watches, shoes or handbags. As in many parts of the world, pets are frequently abandoned by their ruthless owners because they don’t see them as animals, they see them as something they don’t need anymore – this argument belongs in a whole new article.
Your dog is your friend, a friend for life, and as with human friends, pets will take care of you. Having a pet, a dog to be specific, offers a realistic and down-to-earth avenue of attack to meet new people, potentially new friends. You need to go out! There’s that advice again. Don’t see dog walking as a chore, see it as exercise, and don’t leave the dog walking to your domestic helper – she could end up with the spoils. That won’t help you! And make an effort to look presentable – no pyjamas, stained T-shirts or scruffy hair – this is not going to attract the types you would like to meet. It is important to look natural, and for women, not made up to the nines – this could make you look a bit ridiculous and would possibly turn away the men you are looking for. Wear clothes to suit the weather and the activity.
Dogs love walking and need to be walked every day to keep fit and healthy. You need to find the time to walk the dog yourself – remember this is about you getting out and that’s an everyday routine, every day. Arguably, it is a lot easier to walk your dog in a park or quieter streets as the environment makes it easier to chat to other dog walkers. Nobody will stop to talk on a noisy polluted street. And don’t listen to music, nobody will talk to you if you’re listening to music, or talking on the phone. Chatting to other dog walkers is easy. You already have something in common – a dog. If you bump into someone you’d like to chat to, make an excuse by commenting on the dog. Say something positive and smile. You can spend 10 minutes just talking about the dogs, their habits, age, breed, feeding patterns, type of food, the pro and cons, grooming, etc. – it’s not rocket science, so it makes for easy conversation. If you happen to bump into that person again, you already are familiar despite not knowing anything about each other but you’ll already know the dog’s name, so this in itself is more personalised. You can address the dog first, affectionately, then the other party. Remember that the key focus for the initial stages should be the dogs and not the people. Over a period of time if there is a tendency for both parties to stop and chat then this is a clear sign that there is a keenness to interact more – and the conversation will eventually move on to non-dog related topics. It is likely that one party will initiate an invitation to do something eventually, possibly dog related or a gathering in town. Don’t underestimate these little trivial conversations; they could be forming the bond between you and another stranger –
So it seems that there’s plenty of room for a family pet, usually a very well-manicured, well-groomed canine, not to fill the void of a partner in your life, but as a companion and friend – think of your pet as a friend that can help you meet others, a social support companion as mentioned earlier, a kind of partner in crime, a displacement, or simply put – an attractive magnet. Dogs are born to walk besides other things and generally love the interaction with people. Choose your dog carefully. If you are a straight athletic man, you can’t be seen walking a Poodle dressed in a pink jacket. Being in the presence of this breed and in this guise could send out misleading signals and will probably attract members of the same gender. If you are not straight, then the poodle is perfect. There’s no guarantee, but you definitely need to be aware of the stereo-types attached to certain breeds so that the signals sent out are the right ones. Most sensible and humane people in Hong Kong have smaller dogs, for obvious reasons – no garden, remember?
Stay tuned for more in Part II…